Conversations-With-Myself

Some days you’re up, and then some days you’re down. Thursday and Friday were good days, but I woke up on Saturday morning with my throat hurting and a distinct sense of crap running through my head; Sunday morning bore it out and it appeared that a full-fledged cold had struck. Now I’m not blaming anyone - it was my own damn fault for forgetting so readily how cold Melbourne actually is at this time of year, and not packing appropriately. But come work this morning, all that postiveness and relaxation I’d aimed for, and even partially achieved, were totally wiped out, negating completely the value of taking a few days off. All I want to do now is take some more days off. ...

Honesty exists in the moment. Afterwards, whoever writes the most convincing story determines ‘history’. The word even has ‘story’ in it.

It’s funny how, with some people, you can start again right in the middle of a conversation. Once you get the pleasantaries over, it’s back to being right there, where you were in when you left. The intervening time adds nothing but new experiences to discuss, or new perspectives on old prejudices. You nearly forget that there’s been time in between. And yet with others, it takes an effort. An effort to connect again on the level you’d strived to reach before. You know these are friends, and there’s a reason why you’re making that effort to connect again, but none the less an effort you have to make. ...

The old scepter rises again. You’ve had your patience tested and emptied before, but over time it builds up again, and you, in your forgiving nature, forget that it happened before. It’s the easiest way to live - in the moment rather than the past - but it does catch you unawares at times, like now. Easy to let things slip and make the same mistakes again. “Only a fool does the same thing twice and expects a different outcome”, the pertinent saying goes. ...

Random observations that have stacked up: I am really freaking unfit - okay, I know this in the vague sense already, but it hasn’t gotten better really. I played basketball on Sunday with a friend from school (Alan), and I was totally puffed within an hour. I used to be better than this. I need to lift my game. There are a lot more Japanese in Sydney - I didn’t feel this 6 years ago when I lived here, but just wandering down the street in Sydney, chances are I’ll hear a word which catches my ear, and I’ll turn to see Japanese people just chatting away. It’s not just tourists, either. Things go far better in my head - Approaching some of the aforementioned Japanese, in my head, is easy. Actually doing it on the other hand, not so easy. First I’m nervous to the point where my heartbeat rises noticeably - and it’s totally irrational - and when I do start to speak, I falter over words and phrases that should cause me no problems, caused me no problems earlier, and I’ve just rehearsed in my head. Either I’m so far out of practise I’ve lost confidence in myself, or … well, either way, at the moment it looks like I’ve lost that confidence in my Japanese that would let me speak it without feeling embarrased at my mistakes. It’s not just speaking Japanese, but that’s just something that has highlighted it for me. Uni is far more of a comfort zone than you imagine - All that bitching you do about assignments not being specific enough? Yeah, welcome to the real world, where your manager kind of waves in your direction and says “Yeah you can take care of that, right?” and you realise you tuned out of the meeting roughly 5 minutes ago and have been staring out the window at the sun reflecting off the building next door. Uni rocks, dude. Critical skill for working in the city: Judging revolving doors - I’m getting better, but the first couple of days I opted for the disabled bog-standard-door option. Why is it that city buildings must have a revolving door out front? If anyone can answer with something that makes sense, that’s a chocolate bar for ya. Which reminds me… I’d near-instantly fall for a chick that isn’t so neurotic she can’t eat a chocolate bar - I thought this on the train as I saw a chick sitting opposite me - above average, but nothing exceptional - bite into a chocolate bar on the way in to whatever in the morning. I knew instantly she’d have a great personality. Not neurotic! Perfect. Bulleted lists make things look worthwhile - as compared to say just blathering and ranting in no particular order, this now looks like there’s something by way of structure to it. Even if there’s really not. Can’t think of any more observations that have a real point - but I have plenty of things to say if someone turns up for a coffee and is willing to listen. Living alone makes it hard to spill out those random things you think of, but have no one to say to.